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Downplaying Compliments and Low Self-Esteem: A confessional

Copy of The ugly truth about self love (7)

Do you ever receive a compliment and instantly deflect the conversation away from yourself? I can relate. To give myself credit, this past year I have made a conscious effort to accept nice things said about me. However, I still catch myself feeling uncomfortable or deflecting from compliments especially when I receive them in real life.

Just a little background into why I am talking about this topic. I was out one night with a few friends and one of my friends complimented my hair. I began to downplay it and ended up rabbling on about how I purchased the hair. She replied back to me and said: “take the compliment and go”. I was shocked at her abrasiveness but I’m happy that she said it as her words led me to certain revelations that I had not yet realised.

The resistance I feel towards praise stems from many years of low self-esteem. The truth is for a long time I never felt like I was enough and would always find fault in my achievements. When I receive a compliment it’s unfamiliar language to me because I’ve become accustomed to believing my negative self-talk. When I get told nice things I automatically want to respond by saying “are you sure you’re talking about me”. I know that sounds negative but this was my thought process.

Another reason why I don’t respond to praise well is that I hardly celebrate myself. Rarely do I say ‘well done’ or reward me for my accomplishments. For example, I didn’t go to my graduation despite doing very well and being the first in my immediate family to go to university. I didn’t even acknowledge the fact that finally got a new job, one which brings me more joy. Not once did I organize a meal or self-care days to really celebrate my accomplishments.

Another revelation I had was that I’ve somehow conflated self-praise with bragging. I steered away from publicly sharing my accomplishments because I didn’t want to be perceived as showing off. There’s definitely merit in celebrating privately and knowing that we don’t need to be validated externally to feel proud of ourselves. But I think that I was being unnecessarily unkind to myself by downplaying and hiding my achievements from the world. I’m starting to realize that you can be a humble person whilst receiving praise and celebrating yourself openly.

I’m trying each day to tell myself I deserve happiness. I deserve to be complimented. I deserve to receive and believe nice things about me. Irrespective of what I’ve done in the past, right here and now I deserve to be celebrated. Breaking this learned behaviour which I’ve become accustomed to is proving to be harder than I anticipated. However each day I commit to being more aware of my response to compliments and to consciously celebrate my accomplishments, right down to the smallest things.

A Question for you:

How well do you take compliments?

If anyone can relate let me know your thoughts x

Ash Alves

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24 responses to “Downplaying Compliments and Low Self-Esteem: A confessional”

  1. Saabirah Lawrence Avatar
    Saabirah Lawrence

    I can so relate to this, I’ve learnt to just say thank you and maybe change the topic so I don’t go on and on and not accept the compliment😘 another great post 💕

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Yeah same! Whenever it goes beyond thank you I end up undermining the compliment so I try to leave it as that lol. It’s so good you’ve actively worked on this. Thank you, I’m humbled 💜😊

      Reply
  2. kelley Avatar
    kelley

    Firstly, good for you for learning to take compliments and go. And we all have to toot our own horns; we cannot expect or rely on others to give us praise! But when they do, that’s cool too.

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Thank you! That’s so true, when you don’t praise yourself you may end up internalizing negative things said about you too. I’ve experience that too that’s why I’m glad I’m at the point where I’m learning to praise & uplift myself. Thank you for your insights, they’re always helpful 💕

      Reply
  3. Rosaliene Bacchus Avatar
    Rosaliene Bacchus

    I can relate to that as I was raised to be modest. It took me years before I was able to accept a compliment with thanks.

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      That’s good that you’ve reached that point! I’m realising how necessary it is believe nice things about ourselves.

      Reply
  4. K E Garland Avatar
    K E Garland

    Hey Ash! I can’t relate, actually; however, I do want to suggest that you begin small. Maybe you can look in the mirror each day and privately say something nice about yourself or congratulate yourself on your new hair, job, degree, whatever. Eventually, it’ll come naturally for you to just say, ‘thank you’ when others notice your fabulousness!

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Heyy I love this! Thank you for suggesting that, I’m going to try it from tomorrow and let you know how it works for me. I need something like this where I can begin to get used to believing nice things about myself. I think starting everyday practicing self affirmation will help! Thank you, you’re very helpful as always 💜

      Reply
      1. K E Garland Avatar
        K E Garland

        Awww you’re so welcome. I hope this supports you.

    2. driftyness Avatar
      driftyness

      I love that you can’t relate to this! Were you always confident?

      Reply
      1. K E Garland Avatar
        K E Garland

        Yes and no. Lol somethings I learned growing up around a lot of confident women: mother, grandmothers, great grandmothers, aunts, etc. The other came from living life and HAVING to become even more confident.

      2. driftyness Avatar
        driftyness

        I’m not sure if I grew up around confident women but it sounds like an awesome experience! Confidence would just seem like a natural thing to be.

        I hear you about having to be confident. I’m realizing now that confidence is a life skill.

  5. driftyness Avatar
    driftyness

    This is so relatable to me! I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem, although I’m not sure why. I’ve learned to accept compliments with a thank you, but when someone compliments me, my brain goes “they’re just words,” and doesn’t internalize them. I’m trying to make myself take a few seconds and really savour what I’ve been told before I move on. Those kind of things give us something to draw on when we’re having a bad day.

    I remember I was so shocked the first time I saw someone graciously accept a compliment. I had told this guy that he had nice handwriting, and he said “thank you” like he was really taking that compliment and cashing it at the compliment bank. I was like, “we’re allowed to do that?” Since then, I try to say thank you like he did – it was just mind-blowing to someone who’s spent her whole life dodging kind words.

    Here’s one for you: you seem like you have a beautiful, introspective mind.

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Hmm I love that! Taking a few seconds to savour the compliment sounds really effective. Even if I receive a compliment and say thank you, my mind automatically switches to something else. So I’m never really acknowledging the compliment. That’s interesting, compliments can be healing and can help us when we are experiencing low moods.

      Idk if you’ve experienced people sayingg this but if you tell someone they’re pretty and they say “I know” often they’d be perceived as being cocky. It’s so weird how we are programmed not to like ourselves.

      Thank you so much! I truly received that. I’m glad to have met someone who understands these things. At least I know I’m never alone. And btw you sound like such an amazing person 💜

      Reply
      1. driftyness Avatar
        driftyness

        I haven’t experienced that with someone being told they’re pretty, but I have experienced it with someone I complimented on a speech. He was extremely cocky though! But I get what you’re saying. We’re socialized to be modest but at what point does it turn into outright rejecting good things about ourselves?

        I’m glad I’m not alone either.

        Thank you – I’m saving that compliment for later 🙂

  6. Manu Adams Avatar
    Manu Adams

    So true. I appreciate your honesty. It is very difficult for me to face the problem. Your post was really helpful

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      It is very difficult but I hope you and I both are able to move heal from this. Thank you for taking your time to read it!💓

      Reply
  7. Natsaysblog Avatar
    Natsaysblog

    👍 very helpful

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Thank you for reading this, i’m glad 🙂 <3

      Reply
  8. Laraib Avatar
    Laraib

    You have written it so beautifully <3

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Thank you for taking your time out to read it. I really appreciate your kind words ☺️<3

      Reply
  9. Abbey Avatar
    Abbey

    Really wonderful topic would love for you to check out !y #mentwlhealthseries especially part3 on low self esteem https://lifeandrelationshipsissues.wordpress.com/2019/01/03/mentalhealthseries-part3-imperfect-me-perfect-him-low-self-esteem-in-relationships-and-turning-deaf-ears-to-negative-words/

    Reply
  10. VillageTalk Avant Avatar
    VillageTalk Avant

    Like you I’ve had to learn to accept compliments and as I mature of learned it’s ok to celebrate achievements

    Reply
    1. Ash Avatar
      Ash

      Yes glad you feel that way now! It’s so important plus we deserve to feel good about ourselves. Thanks for reading this 💜😊

      Reply

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